Update

So in the past month or so, a number of people I know have been bugging me about my writing. Some are people that I knew back in high school, who recently read some of my stuff, others are new friends who feel that I could/should write a book, and then there's me.

Writing has always been a way for me to release energy. Sometimes the energy is merely creative, but other times the energy is angry or sad, and needs to come out. Lately I haven't had an outlet for this energy, and I've been finding myself feeling "off" more and more.

So I'm going to go back through my blogs, and unarchive the entries that won't hurt anyone, or bring up too much pain. I may also start posting again, although I'm not exactly at that place yet. We'll see. Only time will tell.

To those of you who are new, enjoy this glimpse into my past. To those of you who were long time readers and supporters, I hope you find this as a trip down memory lane. So many of you made this journey with me.

As always, in evil, j9.

Explanation Time

Well, as you may have noticed, my blog has gone to archive.

All 536 posts.

I started this blog over two years ago as a way to express myself, sort of an online diary. Granted I took some risks in publishing some VERY personal information about myself, and how I felt, and what made me who I am today. But ultimately, I decided that, no matter how painful it was to sometimes type the words, they described where I was at that time in my life.

In recent months, I questioned myself as to whether I should continue to blog. Things had gotten so much better in my life, and for the first time in a LONG time, I actually felt good about myself, about my life, about my relationship, and about where I saw myself heading. I knew there was some information on the blog that could raise some questions, but was prepared to face whatever scrutiny there would/could be.

Unfortunately, I didn't necessarily think things all the way through.

Now, because of my words, I've hurt someone I care about very deeply. Because of my actions, I have caused pain in someone that I felt could potentially be the family I've so desperately wanted all my life. My insecurities, and self doubts, and irrational fears resulted in a decision that at the time seemed like the right thing to do.

But all it has done is cause this person to lose all trust and respect for me.

I can't change my past. It is what it is. I can only hope to learn from the past, and take my experiences (both good and bad) and learn from them. I had hoped that I would be able to look to my future, but it seems as if I am destined to be haunted by my past.

I cannot express how sorry I am for any pain my actions may have caused. My intentions were never to hurt anyone, much less someone I can't imagine being without.

I also know that archiving my blog tonight was probably "too little, too late". But I had to do it.

I couldn't look at it, add a post, or read an old post without hating myself inside.

So ultimately, the blog did what I hoped it would do. It helped me heal myself and become the person I truly wanted to be.

Unfortunately, I managed to screw that one up also.

So goodnight readers. I don't know if or when I'll be back.

Right now my only concern is trying to make sense of the last six hours, and deciding how I REALLY feel, and what I REALLY want.

And mostly trying to erase the hurt, both that I caused, and that I feel.

My delayed King Louie's story : (

I have been putting off this post, initially because I was in LA, and then secondly because I was waiting to see if I was contacted in any way. I'm still torn as to how I feel about the evening, but am hoping that by getting it off my chest, I will form a final opinion.

Here's the scenario. Last week was Mark's 43rd birthday. We have historically celebrated special occasions at one of our favorite restaurants, King Louie's. I've been there for dinner at least a dozen times in the last five or six years, not to mention for drinks and appetizers a number of times. The food is always delicious, the drinks are great (they have the best tonic in town, and if you mix with tonic, you'll understand), and the service is usually spot on. It's a place both Mark and I recommend often, and we both have jobs interacting with upper management and big spender types.

So needless to say, we decided to go to dinner at King Louie's the Saturday before Mark's birthday. Another friend, JP, also joined us, which was his first visit. He's a bit of a foodie, just like Mark and I, and we had been raving about the place for months, and felt it was the perfect occassion for us all to go.

The evening was fun, the company was good, and the food was, for the most part, delicious. We packed on a decent buzz, and were there about 3 hours. We did the whole shebang, appetizers, salads, entrees, desserts, cocktails, wine, port and coffee. The only problem was the server. Throughout the meal, there were issues that, due to the occassion, each of us blew off. JP was afraid to complain about the stuff that bothered him because he wanted another dinner invitation from us and didn't want to cause a scene. Mark didn't care because it was his birthday, and he figured JP and I would tear the server apart if it really bothered us. I kept my cool for a bit, but finally blew my stack.

Here's why.

We were seated quickly, ordered drinks, and got into the menus. When the server came over to take the food order, we inquired about specials. She didn't do the usual informed description of how certain dishes were prepared, and didn't seem too eager to find out answers she didn't have. She could not describe how the lobster was prepared, and thus, lost out on a $46 entree. She couldn't even tell JP if it was one or two tails, or if it was a whole lobster. She explained the Rabbit dish with a blue cheese based rissotto EXACTLY as it was listed on the menu. Um, hello, stupid bitch. I can read. Tell me something I don't already know. Mark asked if the rabbit was on top of the risotto, or if it was served to the side. She wasn't sure, but they'd be touching on the plate somehow.

Yeah.

This pissed off Mark, but he said nothing. I did ask for a side substitution, due to an allergy to mold/blue cheese/gorgonzola cheese, etc. They were very accomodating, and I got the potato gratin, which is just fabulous. In fact, I finally replicated the recipe here .

She took the wine list away before we got a chance to look at it. Sure we'd each ordered a vodka when we sat down, but that doesn't mean we wouldn't switch to wine with dinner. We had ordered three courses at that point, so we were going to be there for awhile. JP had to stop her from taking the list, and ordered a $48 bottle of wine. Three people, four courses? Pretty good chance we'll order another bottle, right? When she brings the wine, she apparently brings a 2003, despite the menu listing a 2002. She offers no indication of the change, and is preparing to open when JP notes the year difference. This conversation does not go well.

JP: This is a 2003. The menu listed a 2002.
W: This is what we have in stock.
JP: But the menu said 2002.
W: This is what we have. Do you want to choose something else?
At this point, she has already sliced the label.
JP: pauses That's fine. We'll take the 2003.

Luckily, the wine turns out to be delicious. So JP doesn't say anything. I'm not enough of a wine person to know the difference. But on the few occasions in the past that a listed wine was not available, the server or management staff had always come over, advised of the situation, and offered an alternative selection or two. It seemed as if the server was hoping we wouldn't notice.

Appetizers come. They are delicious.

Salads come. They are delicious. JP ordered this salad which is an odd combination of frisee lettuce, crispy fried bacon, poached egg and bacon grease. I know it sounds odd, but it was the best combination and I would order this salad every time it is on the menu. At this point, everything was going well. We order a second bottle of wine. The food had redeemed the evening.

The entrees came. Mark immediately noticed that the gratin was overcooked, and suggested I get a new one. I didn't complain. The entrees were delicious, and the gratin was good, but it was very overcooked. The bottom was hard, and I could flip the entire piece over and crack the bottom with my fork. This humored me somewhat, as I had many failed attempts while trying to make the dish. But, when getting my leftovers boxed up, I tell the server about the gratin, show her the burnt part, and tell her not to box it up.

We ordered desserts, and I chose the bread pudding with a caramel sauce and vanilla bean ice cream. The boys also ordered desserts, coffee, port, and I ordered another cocktail. We knew we were in the $350 range, but it was a celebration. That's what we work hard for. To be able to play hard. When the deserts came, I was suprised at the size of the bread pudding, as there were two large squares, and at least two or three ladles of a heavy caramel sauce. This wasn't a light sauce, it was almost like chewing on warm caramels. It was quite tasty, especially with ice cream on each bite to balance the heavy.

However, after three or four bites, I felt something odd in my mouth. I pulled out a piece of paper/cardboard. Yeah. From the outside of the ice cream carton. You've seen them at Baskin Robbins or Stone Cold Creamery. They're white on the inside with a slickness to seal in the moisture, and brownish on the outside. They are also thrown around on trucks, handled by anyone and everyone in the kitchen, and have ink and dirt all over the outsides. And now there was a piece of this in my mouth. Which, might I add, is between a quarter and half inch thick and about three quarters of an inch long. Not the smallest piece of cardboard.

OH MY GOD!

Of course, I pull this out of my mouth and in true ladylike fashion, boldly state, Whatthefuck! This brings the server over, who quickly takes the offending paper away. She comes back 5 or 10 minutes later and offers to make me a new one. I decline. She offers to wrap one up to go. I think for a moment, then agree, but ask if the caramel sauce can be put into a separate container so I can reheat them properly. She agrees. I assume this will be gratis, especially since I feel I've been poisoned by dirty ice cream container.

We proceed to discuss how badly the evening has really gone, and how we all were dissappointed with the service, but not the food.

We get the check, and as we are determining how to split the bill, I notice the server has charged me for TWO bread puddings.

: O

: O

Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Here's how that conversation goes:

EJ9: Please put $200 on the blue card and the balance on this card. Oh, and you've charged me for TWO bread puddings. I assumed you were giving me the dessert for free due to the problem with it.
W: Oh, I'm so sorry, I had to ring it to get the order to the kitchen. I'll fix it.

She comes back, with my receipt, the modified bill, and with a problem with JP's card. He offers another and she leaves to ring his card. I look at the modified bill, and they are still charging me for one bread pudding. Now I'm even more pissed. I was obviously PO'd that I was charged for two, and that, coupled with the fact that they tried to poison me, was reason in my mind for them to take both bread puddings off the bill. It's a six fucking dollar dessert, and the server is making an issue of it. Why risk a $350 meal over a $6 dessert???!!!!

The server comes back with JPs bill, and he proceeds to read the server the riot act about EVERYTHING. She is almost in tears, begging him to allow her to adjust the bill. AGAIN. He tells her no, and that she had ample time to fix it when it was brought to her attention. She begs again to adjust the bill and I've finally had enough. I tersely say, "Let's just go. I'm ready to leave. Forget it."

Despite all of the evenings problems, we still tip her roughly 18% (although I've been known to tip 30% plus for good service and food). As we are leaving, one of the regular servers comes up to Mark and I, and asks if she knows us. We explain that we've been in there many times before, and that is probably where she recognizes us from. She then immediately says "what did she do". This indicates to me that there are problems with this server. I explain everything that happened, and she expresses regrets, tells us to ask for her in the future, and makes a big production about getting my name, address, phone number, etc.

We leave the restaurant, feeling better about the evening, and also thinking that they are probably going to do something, like send a gift certificate or a letter of apology or something. Basically, the server at the end of the evening redeemed it for us. I told her the evening's events wouldn't keep me from recommending the place, and that we would return, but that the server had made it a horrible experience.

Fast forward five days, I'm in LA, and I notice my debit card hasn't been charged. At first I thought that they weren't going to charge us for the meal, which I thought was a bit much, but their stock went up hugely.

Fast forward four more days. I'm back in StL and see that my debit card was charged, but 8 days after the meal. And, there is nothing from the restaurant. No letter, no coupon or gift certificate. No phone call. Nothing.

So now I'm torn. I don't want to sound greedy, but I honestly expected that they would do SOMETHING to make amends for the bad experience. I didn't expect the meal to be free, but was PO'd that it took 8 days for the payment to post to my account. That has never happened before. It's always posted within a day or two. So now it looks like they pulled the charge that night, and then took a few days to decide what to do, ultimately deciding they didn't need to do anything.

And that's what pisses me off.

So for now, they are no longer getting recommendations from me. I haven't decided if I am going to write them a letter and express my discontent with them. Maybe I'll just send them a link to my blog.

Massive Attack at the Hollywood Bowl

I am still enjoying eargasm after eargasm from the Massive Attack show on Sunday. It was AMAZING! I'm a pretty avid concert goer, and tend to see about 20 - 30 shows a year (including the smaller venues). So needless to say, it's not very often that I see a national act with 10 years of history for the first time. Much less, a band that I am such a huge fan of. Unfortunately, they don't tour often, and NEVER come to the midwest.

That should help explain my absolute joy in getting to this show.

I've had my first experience at the Hollywood Bowl and let me tell you, there are significant differences between attending a show in LA vs. StL. First of all, the Hollywood Bowl is like a cross between the Muny and Riverport. It's an outdoor theatre, designed for the LA Symphony to perform in. There isn't a bad seat in the house, and it is nestled into the Hollywood Hills, creating a beautiful backdrop. But there are differences.

In LA, you can bring your own food/beverage to the venue. Sure, there's concessions to purchase food, beer and wine, but they encourage picknickers, even going so far as to having special areas for those who want to have the full experience. It seemed most everyone in the stands came in with a cooler, many bringing champagne or wine. In fact, the people next to us were mixing Gin and Tonics, and had a full food spread, even offering us to join in. I about fell out of my chair when I saw people with actual knives, slicing cheese and salami.

In StL, you can't bring anything. Not even water, much less a freaking knife.

In LA, they are not paranoid about serving people bottles. I didn't know about the byob option, so we purchased a fruit plate, some cheese, a loaf of bread, and a couple of 40 oz Coronas. Yep, you read it, Corona 40's. You can also buy wine, champagne, etc.

In StL, there are no bottles allowed of any sort. If you buy a drink in a bottle, it's immediately dumped into a plastic cup for "safety" purposes.

In LA, concerts start VERY early. There were three bands, and the tickets said 7:00. The first band Gang Gang Dance took the stage precisely at 7:00 and played for 15 minutes. The second band, TV on the Radio, took the stage by 7:30 and played for about 45 minutes. The headliners, Massive Attack, took the stage at 8:30. Granted, they played until 10:20 ish, which may have been the reason for the early start, and it could have also been due to the outdoor venue.

In StL, if there are three bands, tickets generally say 7:00, but that indicates doors at 7:00, show at 8:00. If there are only two bands, it's almost always doors at 8:00, show at 9:00. It's very rare that you see the headliner take the stage much before 9:30 or 10:00. Plus, it's very rare that a show starts on time. It's not often you get out of a show before 11:00, and I've seen some go past midnight.

Lastly, in LA, the sound is not loud enough. I guarantee that I listen to the radio in my car louder than what was coming across the speakers. Again, it could be due to the outdoor venue, but I've seen numerous concerts at the Muny and Riverport, and I just didn't think the sound was all that loud.

In StL, it is a badge of honor to experience slight hearing loss after most concerts. You know, the louder the better. . .
So here is a photo. I apologize for the crappiness, but what do you expect with a cell phone. Had I known I could bring a full size camera with zoom lens, I would have.

This is a shot of the venue from my seat, during the first band. Our seats were about midway up the hill, and you can just see the large jumbotron in the upper right hand corner.

Overall, the concert was amazing. Horace Andy was there, recreating his excellence on "Angel" and "Man Next Door" from Mezzanine and joining Shara Nelson, singing loud and proud on "Safe from Harm", "Unfinished Symphony" and other favorites. My only complaint? The woman who sang the ethereal "TearDrop", "Group Four" and "Dissolved Girl" could not compare to the original vocalist, Elizabeth Fraser. Although her voice was clear and strong on the high points, she could not bring the passion during the low points. Luckily the majority of the songs she sang were on the high side, so it wasn't disappointing.

I for one, am ecstatic to say that I witnessed one of seven US shows this year, and wish that Massive Attack would consider a full blown tour.

I'd camp out for tickets. Especially if it were at the Pageant.

My LA trip (so far). . .

Happy Sunday! I am still in LA, eagerly anticipating the Massive Attack show tonight, and finally awake after a night out drinking with Pierre. It's been such an interesting trip I thought I would recap the events so far.

Wednesday - Flew in, worked in the office, had dinner with the boys. Relatively uneventful.

Thursday - Discussed sales numbers for Fall 06, reviewed Spring 07 projections, focusing on acquiring additional business, and recapped our TV flights for Fall. The boys went on store checks, and I worked in the office. Had lunch with some of the girls, and quietly took notes on the interaction between them, as it is obvious that no one likes MIKEAYKK, and that her "fling" with DumbDavid is still in full swing.

We had planned a group dinner for all of the sales team originally for Wednesday. However, DumbDavid didn't get in until after 9:00 on Wed, so he requested we move it to Thursday. Everyone moved their schedules around to accomodate DD. Thursday after the store checks, DD informs us that his "back is screaming in pain" and that he can't join us for dinner. Oh well, me and the boys went to Santa Monica, saw the ocean, and had a great dinner. It was an excellent bonding experience, and DD missed it. Probably because he was holed up, watching Grey's Anatomy with MIKEAYKK.

Friday - We had the big meeting with new product presentation. Afterwards, we worked in the office for a few hours, and then tried to talk DD into going to dinner with us (again). As usual, his back "felt like his spine was being twisted", although he was well enough to shoot baskets and throw a football around with Matt M. Odd, isn't it?

So, once again, I took the boys to dinner, dropped off three at the airport, and then headed back into Hollywood to catch the Mission of Burma Show at the Troubadour. If you don't remember them, this might help. I went by myself, as Ryno had a 6:30 a.m. flight on Saturday morning, but I've gone to shows here before alone, and have never had a problem. I got home just after midnight.

Saturday - Get a planned wake up call from Ryno at 4:30 a.m. so I can get him to the airport. Am back in bed by 5:15, and sleep in until 10:30. DumbDavid calls to see if I'll take him to our commercial shoot for the Sidewinder Falls, which is up in Valencia. I shower, grab some lunch, and we hit the road. I didn't plan on spending much time there, but the day was gorgeous, with plenty of sun and a slight breeze, so I stuck around for four hours.

The best thing that happened that day, was that I spent at least an hour in deep conversation with my boss, Brian. We discussed issues that have concerned both of us, including DD and MIKEAYKK's "affair", which is so obvious to everyone, the current state of the sales team, and where he and I see my career path going. Luckily, both he and I see my future the same, and it was good to spend time with everyone and strengthen our working relationships.

Once back from the commercial shoot, Pierre and I decided to hit the town, have a few cocktails, some dinner and commiserate on the state of our corporate nation. Pierre lives in HK and works from that office, handling all international sales. Obviously, we spent time comparing stories, filling in the blanks from what we hadn't heard, and discussing our futures. We went to a fab place, and hung out for over four hours. I absolutely love Pierre, he is intellegent, articulate, and quick witted. Plus, it is so obvious how happily married he is, and to see the disdain on his face when discussing DD and MIKEAYKK's "affair" gives me hope that there are decent men out there. Unfortunately, I just may have to go to the UK to find them : )

So now it's Sunday morning. I'm getting ready to have brunch with MissDebra and MissTara at The Ivy. I won't be snapping any celebrity photos (if there are any there), but will be happy to share the stories with you. After brunch, I'm going to do some shopping, and then patiently wait for tonight's Massive Attack show. I've got an early flight tomorrow, 6:30 a.m., so I'll be heading home in the morning, and back in the office by noonish. I'll update you on Sunday's events some time this week!

Today's word? Ass Hat

I've been in LA since noon yesterday, so almost 24 hours.

So far on this trip, the word for the day is Ass Hat. I have encountered so many people on this trip that just can't be described in any other manner. For example:

1. At airport. Guy with more bags that one should carry without a smartcart is standing in the door way exiting baggage claim, freaking out because he can't find something. Meanwhile, he is blocking the entire doorway so no one else can get in or out. It's just rude.

2. In traffic. LA traffic is ridiculously bad. The hotel is less than 3 miles from the office, and both are essentially on Olympic Blvd. I only need to turn right off our street onto Olympic and into the Marriott parking garage. Most of the ass hats are driving, further proof that the Missing Persons were right in singing "nobody walks in LA"

Case one, at a crowded intersection. A driver has at least 3/4's of a car length in front of him, and the person behind him has just over half of their car blocking the intersection. Does driver 1 pull forward? Nope. Driver 2 slightly taps on the horn, smiles and points for driver 1 to pull up so she doesn't block oncoming traffic. Drive 1 flips her off through the sun roof and sits, even after the light has turned green and traffic in front of him moves. Major ass hat!

Case two, driving north on the 405, with the far right lane of traffic merging due to construction. Driver in porsche in right lane who's front end is even with my rear tire decides that although there is no one behind me, or on my left, and although I'm traveling at least 65 mph (in a 50 zone), he CANNOT actually tap his brakes and pull in behind me, he must accelerate and jump in front of me, missing my front end by less than a foot. And the only reason he missed me is because I had taken my foot off the gas, and hit the brakes. Self absorbed ass hat!

Case three, pulling into McD's drive through. Customer 1 goes to the box, orders their food, and then proceeds to dig around in their car for something, but doesn't pull forward to the window. I am behind him. The order taker again asks the driver to pull forward. The driver ignores, as he is now moving some bags around on the back seat. A second car pulls up behind me. The order taker asks again. I tap my horn lightly. Nothing. Third car behind me. Customer finally pulls forward to first window, pulls out their wallet, hands them a $20, and then starts digging in the car again while the cashier makes change. At this point, I had ordered and pulled forward. Cashier stands at window for a few moments, holding out the receipt and change. Finally the customer takes the change and pulls forward to the 2nd window, but not enough for me to get to the window to pay. Customer pulls forward, gets food. Customer pulls away slightly, then as I'm pulling forward to get my food, slams on the brakes, hits reverse and starts to back up. Luckily the car behind me was still at the order block, as I had to drop it into reverse to avoid being hit. Customer leans into the window with fries in their hand and complains that there were not enough fries in the box, and wants more. Of course they comply, they want this guy out of there. I finally get food, and share a laugh as I comment that the guy was an ass hat.

I'm sure there are more to come, as I'm here through Monday. . .

Um, hello? We aren't twelve. . .

Monday night.

Blueberry Hill for dinner, Duck Room for Supersuckers show.

Some of the MNE crew, age range 27 (ish) to 39 (ish).

I was in my old school Chuck Taylors (complete with the spilled hot chocolate from my last HK journey), jeans and a black tee. Come on, it's a show at the Duck Room! Two others were in Docs and Gas Station type work shirts. What would you do?

So imagine my surprise when one of the group points out the way I lace my shoes.
















Granted my legs are crossed, but it's somewhat apparent that I lace my shoes to the sides. I can't say that I ever noticed that I do this, and in 30 years of wearing Chucks, no one has pointed this out to me.

MK: "Oh my God, that is sooo cool!"

EJ: "What."

MK: "Your shoelaces. That is soooo different!"

EJ: "Um, they're just laces. . ."

MK: "Yeah, but it's cool looking."

(at this point Special Ed chimes in)

SE: "She's right. That's pretty cool."

EJ: "Have another scotch, Ed."

(she continues)

MK: "Dude, that is totally how trends start. You being different makes people want to be like you. I LOVE your personal style!"

EJ: " . . . . . . . . uhhh. . . . . . . thanks?. . . "

MK: "Let me take a picture. I want to blog about it."

EJ: ". . . ummm. . . . . hey, look, it's almost show time. Let's get going."
(subject dropped)

I related this story to Mark this morning, as I just found it humorous, and somewhat odd. He jokingly asked what time first bell was, and who my homeroom teacher was this year. As we laughed, we were glad that we weren't twelve, didn't have to relive grade/high school, and didn't still act like we were in high school.

Then the most important question arose. Why did I lace my shoes this way? What force of evil compelled me to lace my shoes in such an anarchial fashion? Mark has known me for two decades and has never noticed that I tie my shoes like that. I started thinking that in all my years of sports, my shoes were always either untied, or tied normally. When had this behaviour started? Was I subconsciously trying to be cool?


Unfortunately, as I sat there I pretty quickly realized why they were tied that way. It's how I put my shoes on.

I sit down, put one foot on the opposing knee, put them on and tie the laces.

I never knew my laziness and/or affinity for sitting with my leg crossed at my knee would turn into such a fasion statement.