Update

So in the past month or so, a number of people I know have been bugging me about my writing. Some are people that I knew back in high school, who recently read some of my stuff, others are new friends who feel that I could/should write a book, and then there's me.

Writing has always been a way for me to release energy. Sometimes the energy is merely creative, but other times the energy is angry or sad, and needs to come out. Lately I haven't had an outlet for this energy, and I've been finding myself feeling "off" more and more.

So I'm going to go back through my blogs, and unarchive the entries that won't hurt anyone, or bring up too much pain. I may also start posting again, although I'm not exactly at that place yet. We'll see. Only time will tell.

To those of you who are new, enjoy this glimpse into my past. To those of you who were long time readers and supporters, I hope you find this as a trip down memory lane. So many of you made this journey with me.

As always, in evil, j9.

Explanation Time

Well, as you may have noticed, my blog has gone to archive.

All 536 posts.

I started this blog over two years ago as a way to express myself, sort of an online diary. Granted I took some risks in publishing some VERY personal information about myself, and how I felt, and what made me who I am today. But ultimately, I decided that, no matter how painful it was to sometimes type the words, they described where I was at that time in my life.

In recent months, I questioned myself as to whether I should continue to blog. Things had gotten so much better in my life, and for the first time in a LONG time, I actually felt good about myself, about my life, about my relationship, and about where I saw myself heading. I knew there was some information on the blog that could raise some questions, but was prepared to face whatever scrutiny there would/could be.

Unfortunately, I didn't necessarily think things all the way through.

Now, because of my words, I've hurt someone I care about very deeply. Because of my actions, I have caused pain in someone that I felt could potentially be the family I've so desperately wanted all my life. My insecurities, and self doubts, and irrational fears resulted in a decision that at the time seemed like the right thing to do.

But all it has done is cause this person to lose all trust and respect for me.

I can't change my past. It is what it is. I can only hope to learn from the past, and take my experiences (both good and bad) and learn from them. I had hoped that I would be able to look to my future, but it seems as if I am destined to be haunted by my past.

I cannot express how sorry I am for any pain my actions may have caused. My intentions were never to hurt anyone, much less someone I can't imagine being without.

I also know that archiving my blog tonight was probably "too little, too late". But I had to do it.

I couldn't look at it, add a post, or read an old post without hating myself inside.

So ultimately, the blog did what I hoped it would do. It helped me heal myself and become the person I truly wanted to be.

Unfortunately, I managed to screw that one up also.

So goodnight readers. I don't know if or when I'll be back.

Right now my only concern is trying to make sense of the last six hours, and deciding how I REALLY feel, and what I REALLY want.

And mostly trying to erase the hurt, both that I caused, and that I feel.

Thursday Thirteen.

It's been a while since I've posted a Thursday Thirteen.

Hell, I barely realize it's Thursday!

This has been a crazy few days, with Softball Tuesday night, THEN a drive to Turkey Hill, a seminar all day yesterday and a drive home from Turkey Hill. 10 hours in a car, 8 hours in a convention center style chair, and three hours of sleep from Tuesday morning till Wednesday night makes for a very tired J9.

But that's the way the job goes some times.

So today I give you my Thursday Thirteen.

Thirteen Things I Need To Do More Often:

1. Pick up the phone and call.
2. Clean the windows in my house.
3. Start my day actually organizing what I hope to complete.
4. Talk to God.
5. Listen to other music with an open ear.
6. Remind myself that it is not only possible, but quite probable, that everything is not going to crumble around me, and that I'm going to fuck it up.
7. Tell the people closest to me how much they mean to me.
8. Take an hour to read while soaking in the tub.
9. Snack on something healthy instead of anything I can find.
10. Think twice before I buy.
11. Try new recipes.
12. Listen to others opinions and advice.
13. Be patient.

Why Jack Black Rocks.

Recently CLB and I watched "High Fidelity", one of the best movies, EVER.

It remains one of my favorite books, and I'll admit that when I initially heard it was being made into a movie, I was hesitant. Then I heard they had plucked John Cusack for the lead, and I knew it would be good. But I never pictured Barry as a Jack Black type when reading the book. Now that I've seen the movie, I can't picture Barry any other way.

After seeing the movie, I caught Tenacious D's performance of "Squeezebox" from the Vh1 Rock Honors of The Who.

And I remembered even more why I love Jack Black. Mad and I have seen Tenacious D in concert a few times, including a great show at the American Theatre (before it's redo). For two fat guys with guitars and oddly good vocals, they kick some proverbial musical ass.

See for yourself!

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The ongoing issues with Anthem

Unbeknownst to me, Anthem has taken over Blue Cross/Blue Shield.

When I first heard the news, I didn't give it much thought, as both Mad and I have insurance through BCBS of California (MTQ and 3DB are both based out of Southern CA). I thought it was only affecting people with BCBS of MO.

Prime example, NoBeatDebi.

Late last year, during the Christmas holiday, NBD started having some back problems. She initially thought she had pulled a muscle or something similar, but the pain didn't go away after the usual amount of time. She went to doctors, who referred her to specialists, and to make a long story short, she was eventually diagnosed with a degenerative disc disease.

Which sucks.

Essentially, this is an ongoing problem that will get worse (and already has). After a variety of tests, prodding, probing, MRIs, etc. etc., it was decided that she needed surgery to correct the problem. After mentally preparing herself for the surgery, she took all the necessary steps, making arrangments for work, for day care of her youngest child, and all the red tape and hoops you have to jump through for major surgery.

The DAY BEFORE she was scheduled to have surgery, she gets a phone call from the surgeon's office and a Fedex letter from Anthem. They have denied her surgery, claiming it isn't necessary. Sure, the surgery will cost in the $70k range, but she is at a point where she cannot stand for more than 30 or 45 minutes without being in severe pain. She can barely walk without assistance from a cane or a walker, and doing simple tasks like laundry or grocery shopping are just out of the question.

She is in the process of appealing their decision, and is now on her THIRD opinion. She is on extremely high doses of pain medication to just barely function, and is essentially a prisoner in her own home.

In fact, she is so bored and frustrated with life, that she has started her own blog Photos from Isolation in an effort to bring some normalcy back into her world.

I hate that she has to go through this, and try to make sure to call her and help keep her spirits up. We'll be reaching that 25 year mark of friendship this fall (we met on my 13th birthday, the first day of high school). And to see someone that close to me be in such pain, both physically and emotionally, just hurts me. It's things like this that remind me that I should be having my own conversations with God much more often.

Back to the main story.

On 7/17, I had my annual physical. Yeah, I'm kind of a dork, and I get a physical every year. But I have an underactive thyroid, and being adopted I don't really have a medical background of my family, so I'd rather be preventative than find out one day (probably while laying on the floor with someone beating on my chest to keep me alive) that my heart isn't in the best working condition.

On Saturday, I get my standard Explanation of Benefits in the mail. First off, I notice that it no longer says BCBS of CA on the EOB, but states VERY clearly Anthem.

Shit.

Then I notice that they didn't cover the physical, as it isn't part of my coverage.

WTF????

Are you kidding me? They won't cover a $150 physical that could prevent them from covering a $15k illness/operation/hospital stay? This sucks.

So Monday I call Anthem to determine why the service wasn't covered, and to see what I need to do to avoid owing my Doctor $150. After countless minutes on hold (listening to the CRAPPIEST muzak EVER), I get CSRStupidtown on the phone.

EJ9: Hello, I have a question about an EOB and services that weren't covered.
CSRS: Ok. How can I help you.
EJ9: I noticed that the services on 7/17 were denied. Could you please explain to me why a physical isn't covered under my plan.
CSRS: That claim was denied due to a non-covered diagnosis.
EJ9: Yes, I can read that. I was curious why the diagnosis was uncovered. It was an annual physical.
CSRS: Well the diagnosis code your doctor's office used was V709.
EJ9: Ok. What does that mean?
CSRS: That diagnosis isn't covered.
EJ9: (growing slightly frustrated) I realize that. What does diagnosis code V709 stand for.
CSRS: Oh. It's "unspecified general medical exam".
EJ9: Ok. Does my plan cover an annual physical?
CSRS: I don't know. You'd have to check with the coverage department to determine that.
EJ9: Ok. Is there a diagnosis code for "annual physical"?
CSRS: Of course. If your doctor's office resubmits the claim with the proper diagnosis code it will be covered.
EJ9: (thinking why would you know this if you didn't know my coverage?) So, my doctor can resubmit and, provided the right diagnosis code is submitted, the claim should be paid.
CSRS: That's what I said, isn't it?
EJ9: (growing more and more frustrated) What exactly is the diagnosis code the doctor's office should use?
CSRS: I don't know that. The doctor's office will know it though.
EJ9: Really? Because I would assume that if they knew the correct code they would have used that to start with, rather than have the claim denied.
CSRS: What do you want me to say ma'am?
EJ9: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Thank you SOOOO much for your help.

Of course, I contacted my doctor's office and advised them of the claim being denied, and that it could be resubmitted. I do NOT want to be charged the $150 for a service that should be covered. I do NOT want to deal with Anthem any more.

I can't even imagine the frustration NoBeatDebi's going through with these fucktards. Considering a simple procedure like a physical can't even get approved, I can't imagine how difficult her fight is going to get.

But she shouldn't worry. No matter how difficult it gets, I'll stand beside her, even if it's to act as a crutch so she can stand tall and bitch at them at the top of our lungs!

Hugo has left the building.

First a bit of backstory.

I moved into Connecticut House in 2004. I got frustrated with my current landlords, and stumbled across this place, just a mere two blocks away from where I lived. I made a phone call, and within a day had met the owner, viewed the place, and decided it was meant for me. I was moved in 45 days later, and I just signed a lease through March, 2010.

The owner lived on the first floor when I first moved in, although she was there very infrequently. Her boyfriend (then fiance and now her husband) lived less than a mile away in a VERY cool house along TGPark, so they spent quite a bit of time there. Over the first year or so, she redid her bathroom, rehabbed certain needy areas in her place, and then upon getting engaged, she moved out and rented the place to a 3rd year law student. After the law student moved out, Mad moved in and we are here today. I would consider the landlords to be reasonably good friends of mine. They are good landlords, and very cool people. We went to their wedding, they came to 4th of July and my 40th bday party.

Last year, Owner and Hubby had an opportunity to move to Istanbul and teach for a year. They would earn more than twice their annual salaries, working just three days a week, had a colleague that was going to stay at their home in StL, essentially covering the majority of their local bills. Their living expenses would be far less than in StL, so the decision to teach in Istanbul wasn't a difficult one.

However, nothing goes easy, and their tenant moved out a month early (before they came home), and left the three cats that he was housesitting. Family and neighbors moved into high gear, making sure the two outdoor cats had food, water, and were alive, and going in daily to visit, feed and water Hugo, the indoor cat.

This fall, they are returning for another year of teaching in Istanbul. However, the person that is going to be living in their place already has a dog and a cat, so they were looking for a temporary home for Hugo. They approached me out of sheer lack of available choices. I told them Mad was allergic, but that I was willing to give it a trial run for a week or so.

So Hugo arrived at Connecticut House last Saturday.

Scared shitless and ANGRY at his Mommy and Daddy.

I did my best to try and make Hugo comfortable. He quickly found his favorite spot, underneath the bed in the master bedroom. MY bed.

We went out Saturday night, to return to find Hugo sitting in the kitchen window, longingly staring at the garage door, awaiting the return of Mommy and Daddy. Upon hearing us in the kitchen, he bolted out of the room faster than Superman.

Sunday morning rolls around and CLB and I cannot locate Hugo. We search EVERYWHERE, and soon I'm freaking out. I call his Mommy and Daddy, and ask them to stop by and see if they can coax Hugo out. At this point, CLB is telling me it is in my best interest to have them take Hugo home. He is sure I will grow attached to this animal, and that I'm thinking about the problems down the road.

The owners arrive Sunday afternoon (after CLB, Fiddy and I had played kickball and visited the league sponsoring pub). They find Hugo under the disco couch, all crawled up in it's lining. JUST what I want to have happen. They sit with him for a while, calming him down, and they have CLB and I sit with them and Hugo both individually and collectively, so Hugo can realize we are all one happy family.

Who knew cats could be such trouble?

As the week develops, so does a pattern. Hugo spends the first day or so hiding under my bed, and roaming the house while we sleep, or under the living room couch if we are in the bedroom, but not asleep. After a day or so of this, I begin my mornings after CLB leaves with coaxing Hugo out, giving him some love and attention, and then shutting both bedroom doors, leaving him to hide either under the living room couch, or on the dining room chairs.

This works for a few days, although he is still skittish, and barely acknowledges either CLB or myself. He'll allow me to pet him, and after being properly petted will allow me to drag him out of wherever he is hiding, but immediately runs for cover once he's done, or at the slightest sound or movement.

Then, the headaches and allergies set in. By Thursday, Mad has a blazing headache, his eyes are scratchy, and he just feels like crap. I notice my sinuses bothering me more than usual, and I find myself waking up all clogged up and nasally. I'm sure sleeping over the cat's favorite place didn't help much.

By Saturday morning, we realize that, unfortunate as it is, we are not going to be able to house Hugo for the upcoming school year. Mad is miserable, which in turn makes me miserable, which in turn makes CLB miserable, and so on, and so on, and so on. I make the fateful call to the owners, and break the news to them. Of course they are sad, as they had hoped Hugo had found a loving (albeit temporary) home. Plus they are faced with trying to find a place for him with less than three weeks before they leave.

But I tried. That's all I can say. I feel for them, and the predicament they are in. But after a Saturday afternoon of vaccuuming, wiping down woodwork and upholstery, and mopping floors, the remnants of Hugo are few and far between. By Sunday morning, Mad's headache was dissipating, and my sinuses had returned to normal (or as normal as they can be in StL).

And that, my friends, is reason # 4,329 that I will probably never get a cat.

Damn, September is going to be hectic!

Sometimes I am a glutton for punishment.

But I do enjoy a hectic pace sometimes, as it seems that time flies when your plate is full. This has been a crazy summer, with an unusually large work load, a new relationship, and I've added KickBall on Sundays to my sporting adventures.

So although it seems that I was just out of town, it was time to plan some getaways.

The first trip is planned for 9/3 - 9/9, and Mad and I are heading to our favorite Florida destination, Panama City Beach. We've opted to fly this year instead of drive (largely due to the time, but also due to an amazing deal on Northwest Airlines). But we've booked the same lodging as usual, and are both looking forward to a relaxing week on the beach with nothing planned, other than a day at Shell Island and possibly an all day fishing charter.

The second trip is planned for 9/13 - 9/18, and CLB and I are heading to Vegas (via LA), partially courtesey of the company, as I have a sales/new product meeting planned for 9/16 and 9/17. So my flight to LA is covered, as is Monday expenses. CLB leaves Tuesday morning, so we have Saturday and Sunday out of our pockets, and the rest of the trip on the company. We aren't planning much, but have our hotel and flights to Vegas booked.

Essentially, I work the day after Labor Day, am out of the office for five days, work three days, and then take off for Vegas, have one day off, work for three, then am back in StL, just in time for Mad's 45th birthday.

To top it off, I'd like to do something celebratory for Mad's birthday. When he turned 40, he kept saying he didn't want a party, and was even against getting everyone together for dinner and drinks. But, when we went out that night to celebrate, he was somewhat down that I hadn't planned some sort of surprise for him.

I've asked him how he wants to celebrate, and he keeps saying he doesn't want his birthday acknowledged in any way. He's "too damn old to celebrate", which is just ridiculous. I'd be willing to have friends come over for some BBQ and cocktails, or even try to get everyone together at a location of his choice, but I'm not sure if I should.

So, any ideas? I'd love to be a big dork and plan a bowling party for the Sunday after his birthday. He likes bowling, as do many of our friends, and that limits the amount of prep work I have to do for the event. All I'd have to do is make a cake and have some munchies available in case anyone wants to come back to the house after bowling.

But if he's not going to enjoy it, why even bother? I need to pick his brain and find out what he REALLY wants. The best time to do that would be in FL, while completely relaxed on the beach. But I'm not sure if I can plan something that quickly, much less while out of town.

Although, I have planned larger things from a longer distance. . . .

The perfect way to start a weekend.

This has been one weird week. Not necessarily a bad week, but weird.

Emotionalfuckingrollercoasterfromhell week, if I must say so myself.

I'm happy to close this week out, and begin my weekend on a bright note. And because there is a God, albeit not in the organized form everyone wants you to believe in, the sky parted and the heavens started singing a few moments ago.

Electric Six just announced their Fall tour schedule.

They are hitting StL on 10/22 at Fubar on Olive Street. But don't get excited, tickets are not on sale just yet.

However, they are touring with Local H.

Yes, the Local H that once held the honor of being the most expensive concert ever, on a dollar value per song basis. (Until the Racounteurs a few months ago.)

I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait.

They have a new album out.

Must download. . .

On a lighter note. . .

. . .they say that people die in threes.

FeFetheMonkey and ClubUniqua have both lost their mothers. Should I anticipate another death in the circle of people I know? I'm not to thrilled about that, you know.

Or does Estelle Getty, the cranky ass Sophia from the Golden Girls count as the third? She died yesterday or today, so expect a Golden Girls marathon on Lifetime any day now.

Oh wait. Lifetime is already pretty close to a GG marathon.

Anyway, I'm going to count her as #3. She was QueenAlonzo's surrogate mother!

Another solemn note for the day.

Last week, I told you about FeFetheMonkey's Ma's passing.

On Monday morning of this week, I heard of the death of another close friend, ClubUniqua. Uniqua and I worked together for a number of years at the BigR, even working side by side on the Wal-Mart account. We traveled together for work quite a bit, even spending a very damp weekend at TwinsMommy's house when she lived in Dallas.

Uniqua has a similar situation, family wise, as I do. She has a brother who used to be a bit of a hood rat, who has now relatively cleaned up his act, and was doing what a brother and son should, when it comes to family. She has a sister who used to have her act together, then got hooked up with a junkie crackhead, having two kids by him, and whenever Pookie isn't in the picture, does what a sister and daughter should, when it comes to family.

But Uniqua was always the one that was relied upon. Her Dad died, somewhat unexpectedly about five years ago, and once that happened, Uniqua took on even more of the burden of her Mother. Needless to say, we were a support group of sorts for each other, as we both knew we wouldn't judge each other, and could always make the other feel better with a story or situation that was worse that what they were enduring.

So to Maxine, I rejoice that you are finally with your beloved hubby and crazy MissBeck, and out of the pains of old age. So Uniqua, Kimbo and Junior, I bring you my support and love, and the comfort of knowing that she is in a peaceful place. May the upcoming weeks bring you closer together.